Nonsense

Every once in a while he calls to check in with me.

He’s been building something for years and it’s his way to let me know that when he gets it right he wants me to be his partner. Whenever he talks about it I feel a certain kind of way. Maybe I feel special. I like it but at the same time am not looking forward to such a day coming.

I think parenting, age, disillusionment, one or all have taken the edge off my drive. He doesn’t know me very well but maybe he does. He’s always complimenting my work but I know it’s subpar. It’s subpar because I can’t put all of myself into it anymore. I can’t put all of myself into anything anymore. I have to leave something for me.

Maybe it was around Covid time when I recall feeling immense gratitude at having so many people to talk to every day. Three years later after talking to people everyday I’ve come to realize it’s not my cup of tea. You can’t talk and work at the same time and if you can then one or the other is watered down.

Concentration, depth, passion – those things mean something to me and too much talking about nothing is such a waste of whatever time is left. Course it’s a double-edged sword cause I spend a good amount of time writing bullshit. But it’s my bullshit.