Nonsense

the distance between myself and the girl was relatively short but this was only because of the umbilical cord. this was going to be a sacred moment but it didn’t last because i was bleeding out. the cord was cut almost immediately and she was in my arms, the world around me silent. all i could see and hear was her beautiful face.

next thing i hear are voices telling me to get out of the water; this in contrast to the calming flute music playing in the background. i’m at peace and without pain but do as asked while noticing the water had turned completely red.

i laid down in the couch to breastfeed as they worked on my body. i felt a shot and seconds later was in severe pain. i looked over at one of the women and noticed she was scared. she explained that she’d given me pitocin to encourage cramping to stop the bleeding. i said nothing while considering using the foot nearest her face to kick the shit out of her. how the fuck did i go all the way without drugs to end up in that position, ready to die with pain whose duration couldn’t be known?

my emotional wires were getting crossed as i had difficulty getting the girl to latch onto my nipples. of course she had trouble cause she had baby lips and had to deal with breasts the size of mount saint helens. we’re fifteen minutes into this no latching thing before i begin crying. for all the boys it happened immediately. what the hell was wrong with me? stupid thoughts came through:

– maybe girls have an aversion to nipples. maybe they need a slow intro.
– maybe she felt size was a threat to her life.
– maybe it was the garlic shrimp i’d eaten the day before.
– maybe i had too much and it was rotten and i smelled spoiled.
– maybe she didn’t have a tongue.
– maybe she had water in her lungs and was dying and couldn’t say anything.

at this point i needed pain medication but there was nothing available outside of tylenol which may as well have been gummy bears. i wanted the ladies to leave, to let me go to my bed so i could get to know the girl and convince her to eat from my body.

i had my way with the exception that they stayed a few more hours, the amount of time it took for me to not feel like i was dying from the forced contractions. it was also enough time for the girl to latch on even if imperfectly. i would end up with the sorest nipples ever and a lesson about nurturing children in general.

you can’t feed them all the same way.