Nonsense

body says yes years before mind reacts.

it’s 2am and i’ve awoken to a body armed in full arousal.

i’m wet and can’t help but laugh at my paltry body count in comparison to hall of famers. i can’t fuck for fuck sake but it doesn’t mean i don’t want to sometimes.

it feels good and bad at the same time. masturbation enters my mind and leaves like a quick thief. not this time. it no longer ends in relief. just sadness.

deep breaths. tears. a different release. it’s been months since i’ve cried or shown any emotion.

in the dream we flew and went out to eat after landing. i touched his face to see if he was real and he asked if he could stop by my house that evening. i told him yes then panicked about the attic and how i’d never entered it for fear of the ghosts.

he came by that evening and i stood on the other side of the door unprepared. i didn’t think he’d actually show up so didn’t answer because i knew what would happen next.

we’d make love and i’d never see him again. it would no longer end in joy and relief. just sadness.

i pray for the numbness to return.