Nonsense

at one point in the fire ceremony it felt as if i were going to faint next to the chanting men. it wasn’t clear if the cause was their chanting in an unknown language or a lack of breathing space between my face and the flames.

embers flowed across my skirt as i threw in a blank sheet of paper. how would translating what was on my heart to paper and burning it make anyone feel better?

i’d been turning to god through the good and bad and so far he hadn’t let me down. i wondered what he felt about the ceremony and whether he thought we were desperate or scared or all of the above. surely burning a piece of your heart comes with expectations.

i ended up there on account of wanting to know what i didn’t know but i didn’t leave armed with some kinda new wisdom. i left hot, dizzy and questioning why there was no interpreter or even whether words had been necessary in the first place.

i got lots of hugs that night. gods hugs are great but it’s the human ones that remind me i’m alive. the new guy is pushing me to turn my desire into offering, which although not a new concept does remain pretty inconceivable to me. didn’t even tell him i was desiring anything – he just guessed. or maybe everyone is desiring something and he’s just walking around confident in his affirmation.

maybe we all get called to the fire and it’s just not so literal as a ceremony.