Nonsense

there was a kid named tim, two of his friends and myself. the dream opens with him sitting across from me and talking to tim as if i’m not there. i listen to their conversation and wonder if i’m invisible.

staring down at the table between us are two invoices from the church. he’d brought them by for tim to pay his share. one invoice was for the church jubilee and choir; he’d just come from singing. the other was for a personal support call. in the description it read “suicidal ideation”. part of their work involved visiting community members for support. i reminded myself that i’d never really known him and shouldn’t have been surprised that just because he didn’t love me he wasn’t filled with love or the holy spirit.

he stood up and sat next to girl on the other side of the room and picked up a paintbrush. he began to talk to her real soft to tell her couldn’t believe it had been 15 years. she smiled as he began painting her face black. she said she couldn’t believe it either and they continued on this way making jokes and laughing.

he got up to leave and said goodbye to everyone except me. we all stood up to walk him out.

outside there was a big dirt field and a few guys standing around tinkling with their cars. instead of getting into the drivers seat he turned the car on and began pushing it through the dirt as the other guys joined in to do the same thing with their cars. they were doing handstands, making dirt devils and having a good ‘ole time. he looked just as i remembered him, except he seemed to be enjoying life now.

i turned to tim and told him i was sorry for coming. he looked at me and said if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have been there. i looked back out the window at all the fun everyone was having unable to pinpoint what i was feeling.

i woke up in tears.

running to the bathroom i was talking to myself asking why, why was this still even a thing? then began the self-talk in order to calm myself and explain it didn’t matter.

i went back to bed and thought of one word.

dignity.

it doesn’t change anything but i went back to sleep thinking that yes, maybe the gift of dignity would have supported my healing, my heart and spirit.

i’ll never know.