Nonsense

the wife has a duty. the husband has a duty. if you love them you’ll want them to succeed at that duty.

i didn’t succeed. or maybe i did. i’m not sure.

i’ve been alone a long time, longer than expected, longer than could have been predicted and longer than my definition of time.

i got divorced in 2017 officially and the whole process took 3 months if you exclude the years that led up to it. if you count those then it really took nine years.

looking back it’s clear there was part of me, the childhood part of me that i’d packed away and covered with marriage. since the divorce i’ve spent a lot of time getting to know myself and it’s taken this long to like her, to love her for all the good and all the bad.

i don’t feel it would have been possible to do had i gone into another relationship even though i didn’t feel that way at the time. i’m okay being alone now. i don’t want to be alone forever but i’m also not pining in sorrow like i was.

am i still in love like i thought i was back in 2017?

yes and what’s most surprising about that is being okay with unrequited love also. it’s a place i’d never imagined visiting, let alone re-visiting with fondness.

am i still filled with regret for hurting others?

some days i feel a pang in my chest for the blindness and ignorance that dressed my anger in righteousness. there are moments where it feels like embarrassment and some where it feels like shame. they don’t last long. they’ve made me love the beauty in imperfection, the kindness of painful experiences and the joy that can be generated along the way.

there were days i couldn’t imagine driving to less than three schools a minimum of twice a day; days when the food seemed to be my only friend; days when opening let alone walking out the front door filled me with terror.

there were days i’d dream to be rich so i could take care of everyone once and for all and leave on my terms; days when the adhd and autism left me feeling like a consistent failure. there were days when i couldn’t take away their diseases or sickness that i prayed and prayed it be given to me, all without success. there are days they ask me questions i still don’t have answers to and am sure i never will.

i did the strong mom thing but i didn’t do it without the love i feel but cannot see.

i put them first and learned over time to put them second so they can learn to put themselves first too.

i’ve been through five trainers and have learned from all but especially the last who convinced me i’m my own best trainer. she’s an asshole but deep down i know she means well.

in 2017 i didn’t think my voice mattered and it took all this time to learn it does. i couldn’t have learned that in my marriage. i couldn’t have learned that in another relationship. i couldn’t have learned that if i ran away with him (but i would have). i couldn’t have learned it until learning how to tune out everyone else’s voice.

the friend has a duty too.

they support the struggle and success. they remind us that everyone deserves love and joy and that it need not be at the cost of duty.

sacrifice and patience aren’t the same things but even if they were a friend steps in to remind you how much is the love that never leaves.