Nonsense

the disturbing pursuit lasted ten years.
it began with a coffee date and a belief that time and age didn’t exist.
it’s okay to believe in childish things when you’re a child and not once does it occur to you that anyone else is not a child.

i accept the hot chocolate instead of the coffee and though his hand doesn’t feel good on my thigh under the table it does feel good that he can’t take his eyes away from me.
i’m special and even though i’ll only believe this for five minutes, it’s long enough to say yes to dinner.

i’m thirteen and he’s twenty-eight so i must be beautiful.

getting aroused triggers the bladder and fight or flight systems at the same time.
a touch, a kiss and all inklings of intimacy are roads that lead to the powder room.
this is one reason the outdoors is especially appealing.

there’s something about being in nature that makes all feelings okay to have, okay to stand in and not run away from.
for many it’s the opposite but not for me.

he spent years trying to touch me but i never let him.
he always found someone else who would and eventually he stopped asking me to dinner.
i learned there is always someone that will say yes but he also taught there might be others who take to heart a no.

deep down i didn’t think yes or no meant anything.
you could scream, cry, claw at their eyes, beg to be let go and they’d teach you that what you felt and what you said didn’t matter.
you’d tell and no one would do anything.
you stop enjoying being looked upon too long.
you believe that time and age don’t exist.

i’m twenty-eight and he’s fifty so i must be beautiful.

but what about dad?

was it too much to think he could love me after leaving me so many years ago?

well this is what gives love its endless hope, no?

the idea that you matter confiscated by the reality that you don’t.

i learned there is always a reality to choose from.