Nonsense

making connections is difficult, especially if your heart or your feet are in two places at the same time. family doesn’t see it as a struggle but as personality and preference. mom still always talks about how i didn’t have friends as a kid or how i preferred to play by myself. the kids think i just need to work less and voila, connection. it isn’t that i’m not social because i very much am – i explain this but they worry about me and often ask if i’m okay, if i’m lonely or sad always being alone. i don’t know if i’ve given up on the idea of friendships and relationships or if my belief that they aren’t for me are the same things.

there’s little about my thinking that’s unique. many people feel this way and i only know that because i listen without telling them i understand because hearing and understanding aren’t exactly the same. but i do relate and say a prayer that they figure it out like me, before it’s too late to know or experience anything different.

on another note, i was sharing about the kids graduating and a guy asked what was the most surprising thing that has come up for me as they make the transition. one was that i wondered if i’d taught them enough and the other was that they work hard, maybe too hard. the answer doesn’t make sense and isn’t all that surprising given my habits but really what i didn’t know how to say was that it surprises me how little they’ve played from birth until now. i have mixed feelings about that. then again it’s not like i can ride a bike for them. falling off is part of the experience so i guess my hope is that they find things to ride that i didn’t see as enjoyable for fear of experiencing any more of life’s scrapes.

i didn’t teach what i don’t know so hope their efforts at connection and play come easier to them then it has for me.